Im at strip club and am horny
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
