Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
