I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
