Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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