I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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