R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
