Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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