A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
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