I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
so... how was it???
he had bart simpson sheets. he had itunes on shuffle and "don't worry be happy" started playing when he took his boxers off. sad to say i was neither worried nor happy
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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