In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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