I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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