nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
She even gives head with a lisp.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
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