My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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