I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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