I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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