you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Randomize
