what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
We are all done wearing pants today
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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