I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Randomize