That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I'm like, not good at living.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Randomize