Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
