oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
