its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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