dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
