Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
