How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Gay?
German.
Pity.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Randomize
