who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
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