Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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