dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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