Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
The beer is more important than you right now.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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