I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
