Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
