Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
