Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
Randomize