Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize