Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
