In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Randomize
