Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
