drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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