There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
