This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize