If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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