ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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