I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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