Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Randomize
