I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
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