I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
