Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
