it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Randomize
