I DON'T KNOW WHERE WE ARE WE ARE TOO FUCKING ELEVATED.
Me either! Fuck yeah, 12th and something. 12th and hamburger stand.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
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