I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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