I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
How would you go about getting a hold of the country star that you slept with and are now potentially pregnant with their baby...?
myspace Music?
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
