ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
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