I haven't been this sober since birth.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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