My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Someone shattered a urinal.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
