Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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