I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
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