i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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