Where did you get a picture of my penis
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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